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Posted on: June 8, 2011

Everything is lifeless. Everything is colorless, mute and just out of order. -The moment I read this sentence on one of my favourite blogs by Ibhog I couldn’t help but relate to it..It is by far the closest description of what I feel. This is exactly what my life has turned into .. mute and colorless, almost lifeless.

The more I try to add meaning to it the more it becomes clear that I’m running in an endless road. It’s not that I’ve only lost some things along the way.. I also lost the hope that was pushing me to continue down that road. How does one continue walking without any reason to. And if I want to stop, what do I have to do to stop this endless race. Can I make it stop?! And if I stop will anyone notice?! Would it make any difference!? I think not. So what’s the use of the race anyway?!

This is not a very new state of mind for me.. I think I’ve been to this place in my mind before but I think this is the farthest I’ve been in this jungle of thoughts. I don’t know if this is rock bottom that one has to hit before they go back up or have I already been damaged beyond fixing.

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Sometimes I just wonder why is it so hard to to live .. Is life really that hard or am I sometimes not up to living?! The more I try harder to live the more I feel the emptiness inside me and uselessness of all my attempts.. What’s the use of living when u’re dying anyway… what’s the use of one in a million when there already is a million anyway. Why do ppl fear death when I see how serene and peaceful and clear it is. Why do ppl dread it so much when I find it my ultimate goal and definite last peaceful stop! Some ppl say that you can make a difference.. well I don’t really see that! I know everybody is unique in a way but I also see history repeating itself.. there’s nothing that somebody can do that can’t be done by someone else! Then where is this uniqueness they always talk about!? I think life has been much easier years ago.. today it has just gone harder and harder.. everything is discrete .. everything is in disguise .. no one is ready to be honest and clear.. and if they become clear nobody will believe him.. Even wars aren’t clear anymore.. politics isn’t clear anymore.. religion isn’t clear anymore.. everything is a tool for something else.. everything is a disguise for an another hidden motive. Even feelings became so difficult and hard. We have evolved to the extent that we can’t live as human beings anymore.. we can’t breathe and we can’t feel. We can’t say what we want and we can’t say what we think. Which again makes us more and more only copies from each other.. all hidden and wrapped up in their lies .. till it suffocates us and strip us of our humanity.

I’m not being suicidal but I just don’t get the point. I really don’t.

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