Randomika

Archive for August 2010

All year round the lover is mad,
Unkempt, lovesick and in disgrace.
Without love there is nothing but grief.
In love… what else matters?

~Rumi~

She: Goes to work and wakes up everyday with a smile on her face, with a silly wish to see him or even his name anywhere! Even if it’s in a silly email, or a meaningless message. She keeps hoping and waiting and by the end of the day when nothing happens she feels disappointed. She goes home with yet another crushed dream. She tells herself it’s not going anywhere and he doesn’t even have the slightest thought of her. She can’t believe how can she feel all of this for him for all those years and he doesn’t even know she exists. She sobs on the way home, sleeps in a desperate attempt to give her wound some time to heal. She wakes up and then she dreams all over again with a strange belief he definitely loves her back.

He: Goes to his office everyday waiting for her name to show on the screen as always. From the very few things she reveals about herself; he feels he knows her. He loved the things she loves, although he won’t change or go out of his way for anyone. He loved her favourite quote and the songs she likes. He bought a shirt with her favourite color. He tries to be spontaneous and fun because he thinks that’s what she likes. Although he’s a workaholic and rarely wastes a minute of his time, he checks her profile although he was never a fan of facebook, he checks her blog and her comments every now and then. He never tries to invade her life or even be a closer friend. But he’s always felt he knows her better than she knows herself. He even knows that there’s someone in her life and that she loves him dearly although she never truly said it. The only thing he doesn’t know; is that it’s him!

She dropped off her friends after the long tiring day and she thought she’s going home. All her trials to go directly home and all the picturing of the warm bubble bath went in vain. She couldn’t stop herself from making that turn and going to a totally different neighborhood. . She didn’t know how can just the sight of his car parked peacefully in it’s place gave her a strange feeling of peacefulness and serenity. As if she has just found a precious thing she lost a long time ago and searched uselessly for years a long tiring search. She spots the pearl easily, it always surprised her how can she spot his car from a mile away. She had no intention to wait for him or even go and see him. Yet, she decided to wait a little bit in a desperate attempt to see a glimpse of him. she waited in her car after cruising the area several times in a childish attempt to waste the time or take her mind off the idea but in vain. She then waited and waited. She realized that she miss calculated when he’s gonna leave, and she decided to wait some more. She decided to wait despite the face that she hates waiting, it annoys her so much and makes her very uncomfortable. But to her surprise she found waiting to be not as painful and annoying as it usually is for her. That day, waiting was a breeze. She feels his presence as if he’s there. Waiting was just the moment between to waves of cold breeze on a hot day. No pain was in comparison to the pain she’s been feeling for days, maybe weeks now. After a long hour he came back to his car, she felt annoyed that she didn’t even manage to catch a glimpse of him or see what he was wearing. She wanted to know why is it that she still has all these feelings for him, when it’s definite and sure it’s over between them. She always saw things coming and knew when it was time to end things but why can’t she stop her feelings. Why isn’t this enough proof for her heart to stop it’s stupid longing. Where do these crazy thoughts come from?! How can a person as witty and smart as she is; goes and follows someone through the streets, or even drive all that way just to see someone’s car parked safely somewhere?! She races behind him but stays low. For a moment she feels he saw her in his rear view mirror. She doesn’t want him to see her and the reason for this is a total mystery to her as well. Maybe because she’s aware that she’s being a freak and she’s weird, ‘ You’re absolutely crazy, you’re out of bounds, you’re stalking a guy for God’s sake!!! Have you totally lost your mind!’ She keeps telling herself. She decides in the middle of the road to continue her way home. The moment he goes out of her sight, a waterfall of tears starts to roll down her cheeks. She sobs loudly as if someone is going to hear her and tell her what to do, or hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright. She realizes no one is there for her and no one will be. She starts talking to herself loudly knocking some sense into her brain. She finishes that long dialogue with the same resolution. ” I’m not gonna think about him again. I don’t need him anymore. We are over! I’m living my life and there’s no need or place for him anymore. I’m better off without him anyway”. She stops crying and she convinces herself she feels a little better. But deep down she knows she’s a liar, but what hurts her the most is that believing that lie is her only option.

Came across this again this morning and thought of sharing it .. One of my favourites for Jalaluddin Rumi..

There is a candle in the heart of man, waiting to be kindled.
In separation from the Friend, there is a cut waiting to be stitched.
O, you who are ignorant of endurance and the burning fire of love
Love comes of its own free will, it can’t be learned in any school.

– Jalaluddin Rumi

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A nice poem my friend Gjoe made me come across it by coincidence 🙂
Came across it again today and thought of sharing it.

Have a lovely day 🙂

Seven Oceans Of Pain! ! !

Swimming across the first ocean, i met my friend-tears,
he has been living there all alone for now many years,
he keeps count of all the little tears that i have shed,
on every tear, her name is tagged and my future is read.

Swimming across the second ocean, i met my friend-peace,
he left me the day my heart broke into million piece,
sitting on that island, he keeps the broken pieces whole,
and will hand over it to me, when i depart with my soul.

Swimming across the third ocean, i met my friend-night,
he lives there holding onto all my dreams ever so tight,
every dream showcases a portrait of my never ending love,
a love thats destiny seems to lie in the heaven above.

Swimming across the fourth ocean, i met my friend-smile,
he left me the day she refused to walk down the aisle,
he captures all the sadness that lies beneath my face,
and keeps them safely in my memories for me to chase.

Swimming across the fifth ocean, i met my friend-fears,
everytime i try to go in search of her, he just appears,
he stands in my way, with the sign that signals THE END,
for my heart is damaged way beyond any force could mend.

Swimming across the sixth ocean, i met my friend-time,
he seems to have deserted me after i did that crime,
a crime of loving someone more than what i could do,
now i’m just waiting for that portal to let me through.

Swimming across the seventh ocean, i met my friend-fate,
love is a hard journey, and not all can enter this gate,
in every journey undertaken the pain will always remain,
to succeed you have to cross this ‘Seven Oceans Of Pain’.

Kumar Kumar

I’ve never cared what to write here or felt that I need to blog my writings or even share them. I never pretended that I have the gift to write in the first place. On the contrary, I have cold hard proof that my writings are absolutely not understandable:).. But for a while now I’ve been writing so many pieces that are all lying in my draft now and they are all “unfinished”. They are actually starting to annoy me. Some of them I already decided to leave them “unfinished” as they are but they keep haunting me as if it’s a nightmare that has to end. Suddenly i feel they are all calling out to be finished and posted .. Will try to finish them but I know some of them will just remain unfinished. And they will end as mysteriously as they started.

Note… Ramadan is so close and unlike last year I’m so ready for it. I’m totally aware it’s on the door step and I’m not having the gloomy mood I usually have. Maybe other stuff had a stronger gloomy effect f I don’t feel this one any more :)) Thank God anyway. And Happy Ramadan everyone 🙂