Randomika

I don’t want an acid nor an ice cube on my wound. I just want to give it the time to heal.

I’m surprised at myself sometimes. I really feel like I’m two ppl or even more. I don’t really forget, especially the harm that ppl do. But ain’t this the case with almost everyone. I don’t forget ppl who have been good to me and ppl who are caring or considerate or respectable because I so much believe they are a few and you should feel lucky you met them because they are the gems in your life that you should really treasure. And although I don’t forget those who harmed me nor the harm they did but I rarely keep grudges and deep down I don’t really seek revenge or even think it’s a good idea. But what really surprises me is when I find myself keeping an old grudge and not letting go of it despite the years and despite everything I’m going through. I thought maybe I’m keeping grudges to those who caused me a permanent harm or damage, but I don’t find this is the case. I have forgiven ppl who have done me permanent damage before, or at least I’m not keeping a grudge for them, and I still think that if they haven’t been that way I might have been in a better place right now. But there are just these ppl who I really can’t forget what they did and I can’t really forgive them and I feel I’m keeping a grudge for them despite all those years. How can I still feel this way after almost 7 years? Why haven’t I forgotten yet?! To me it’s just a mystery. I really do forget easily and I believe everything starts small except for anger it starts big and diminishes with the power of time, and this is what’s surprising me. I always believed time was so powerful that it even makes you forget that you loved someone that much, it heals wounds and it even helps you get over a harsh break up, it makes you let go and it can even make you someone else. But is there really some things that are so powerful, so powerful they can defy the power of time. And if there are such things how can we deal with them then if it’s only with such a blessing such as time, that we forget our wounds and misery. Do we live imprisoned in our memories even if we want to forget them, even if we pretend we did get over them. Even if we want to live the illusion that everything is just as normal as anything. I have great faith in God, I know he gave us the gift of forgetting and I know maybe there are other blessings I just haven’t discovered yet.

On another note: Happy Ramadan everyone. : )))

Today was the first time I realized I’ve changed. I don’t know if it’s a good step or is it just in the step of being the person I would totally hate.
I’ve always thought one shouldn’t change the behavior they know is right and good just because other ppl are behaving badly. It’s their problem they are bad and it won’t be their problem that you are changing and to the worse.
A few weeks ago somebody made me change. I’m not changing my beliefs but what made this necessity to change is that I suddenly realized that to be protected in this era one shouldn’t be kind or forgiving. One should hold grudges and take revenge else most ppl will take you for granted and most likely hurt more again and again. I’ve never felt that it’s a human nature to hurt one another for no apparent reason what so ever, not even to move ahead or look better, I realized they sometimes just do it for the fun of it. I’m not playing the victim or trying to be one. I’m just trying to make sense of a world that has gone out of control.
Today I said what I wanted to say at the time I wanted to say it. What’s new is that I will not regret it. I won’t regret seeing anybody or going anywhere. I won’t feel attached either, to anybody or anyplace. I will just have fun do what I enjoy and that’s it. I know there are a lot of flaws in that plan but I will carry it out anyway. I will be rude when it’s necessary and I won’t look sweet or cute anymore. I will be indifferent and I will look indifferent.
Well this is the plan. I know I won’t carry it out exactly as it is. I know there will be mistakes and I know I might definitely edit it someday, but at least today I felt I was on the plan. This means I’ve really learnt my lesson and I’ve passed the exam and I can pass it again and again.
Today I realized that holding grudges and acting upon them is a skill and doesn’t come naturally to everyone.

There is a time when people will sympathize with you and even though they don’t say it but every single action the take just screams ” ya 7aram “. Well you’ll have to deal with it and be grateful anyway.

Yesterday was more than a horrible day bshwaya. It started off with me waking up to a horrible migraine at 6 a.m. I had to go to work in a couple of hours and i couldn’t really sleep. The next scene, I’m at work, I have a meeting which ended in a way that I think is a definite message for me to move and gave me a clear vision of what i have to do exactly at least for the next 6 months. A few minutes after that meeting I receive a phone call telling me my mom isn’t ok and I have to go take her home. I go get her back and then go back to work. Had to work for the few hours left then went to out to go get a gift for a friend. Well the day ended and I wasn’t feeling as bad as I felt earlier. I felt everything that happened that day made something or another clearer to me. I ended up feeling blessed anyway. Blessed that I saw the lesson as it is and that I noticed the signals and that I still can do something about it and that after all it’s not too late.

زعلانة قوي من الدنيا .. زعلانة قوي من الناس .. و زعلانة قوي من نفسي